This is my story...

This is my story,
the girl who loves too hard yet looses so easily, I strap your secrets on my back, add it to my own weight and keep walking.             
                  
The one who needs to be understanding and justified and replaced , the one who figures it out and learns to move on ;
This is my story .

Frustration,  heartbreak, perseverance, acceptance ,step by step; This is my story...
I fight, I struggle, I smile, I Kiss ; This is my story  ....

Learning how to addapt, being there  for who I can  , extending myself with a smile and a tear ; This is my story.

Every chapter plays out , every lesson is learned , only to wait for that other page turn ; This is my story.
Sadness, happiness, loneliness , love ; This is my story .             

        Beauty is a gift and a curse , a big heart a blessing and a hinderance ,
I can smile when I cry , I can cry when I'm scared , I can scream when I'm happy; All emotions start to merge into one single feeling so I just let go and exist;
This is my story.

That kind of Love...

I want that passionate love, that crazy love, that hazy love…
That feeling that keeps you on your toes,
That with a single touch can set your blaze a glow…
Keeps a shiver in your knees, and a quiver in your breath,
Always warm and protected within its caress…
I crave that sweet love, that movie love, that stupid love …
The type that makes you lose time and forget you name,
The kind that remains consistent but never the same…
The kind that always gets it right after just one try,
That feeling you can trust even after a fight….
Looking for prince charming, running around kissing frogs,
I want that magic love that comes straight from the stars…
I want that serious love, that focused love, that trusting love,
The kind that never second guesses, dismisses and lies,
The kind that may get shaken through the bad times but always survives…
The kind that will stand by your side, and lead when you can’t,
That’s never too proud to ask for a hand…
I want that spiritual love, that Godly love, that humbling love,
The kind that has as much faith in us as it does in above,
The kind that admit when it’s wrong and can accept I was right,
A patient kind of love that knows all in its time…
I wait for that stable love, that loyal love, that lasting love….
The kind that endures all, accepts the good with the bad,
Understands we are not perfect and that it’s all part of a plan.

Hope for the Best

I shed a tear for every hurt and every fear.
In the silence of the night, when I try and see clear.
Mourning for my losses, him, her, and them,
these shadows of my life that will never play again.
It’s like a record stuck on repeat, these thoughts in my head ,
so I shed a tear for each moment I’ve spent.
It’s all I can do to get use to “good bye “,
And in my dark quiet flashes alone I cry.
I shed a tear for every heartbreak, disappointment,
every burn,
And hope from each wound I can learn.
We love, we lose, as easy as we smile and charm,
  No one said it would be easy, but we persevere and move on.
So I shed a tear when they died , another when they left ,
and one for myself as I hoped for the best.
I am tightly pieced together by the memories of my past
and if I have learned anything it’s that, this too shall pass.

Internal Confusion

Lost, caught within the confusion between u and I. Lost among the violent words an broken hearts. Lost amidst your tenderness just trying to make sense of it all.

I am the beauty that self-destructs at your glare. The tender voice u need at times, that listening ear.
 I am the friend forever by your side, the reason u live and the reason u lie.
I am as warm as the mother who keeps her child at her breast, but as cold as that night that you lived to regret.
I am that sweet kiss goodbye , and your rage-full fits,
I am the anger and love that spews from your lips.

And u to me? A secret ? A sigh ? A dream or nightmare, my truth or my lie?
U are the face in my mind, the knife in my heart, the confusion and anger that tore us apart.

Should I stay ? Should I go?
Should I give it time, take it slow?

All questions , no answers , what is there to do?
And this remains our story, the me vs. you.

My dirty little secret

When I sleep I dream and I take him with me.

I appear lost in a whirlwind of emotions, confused but intrigued.

He approaches me.

I can feel the softness of his touch, the strength in his arms, and the taste of sweetness on his lips.

His warm embrace clears my mind and I am his.

Passion being the very beginning, the tip of the fire between us.

I Breathe.

Completely free of the world behind me, the concerns and the worries, melt away as though they never existed.

I yearn for his breath on my face and his hands on my body.

To touch him, to love him as only I can, giving over more and more of myself.

Don’t stop, please don’t stop, I need you like the air in my lungs or the heart that beats in my chest.

The fullness of him fills me so that I feel him everywhere; my skin begins to tingle with excitement, as his aroma fills the air.

Take me away with you; keep me protected in your grip.

Sweat trickles down his brow, I feel the moistness on my neck, taste the salt on his skin.

He is beautiful.

I hold my breath in anticipation as we reach that single moment where nothing else matters …

And then, when least expected...

It is morning, the sun has risen and the day has begun.

And my sweet dirty little secret is gone.

I need to Breathe

Scream! Shout! Kick! Fight !
you have every justification, you have every reason.
Scream until your lungs turn into raisins and your lips go numb,
SCREAM until your body begins to shake and your eyes tear up.
scream until someone hears you.
It's not your fault, you didn't deserve it!
so SCREAM at that abusive relationship,SHOUT at that job you hate and that boss who mistreats you,
KICK,FIGHT that situation that seems to have no resolve.
Get it all out!!
now breathe, wipe your face and just keep walking.

Finished

Finished!

Remember the scared little girl? Broken and bound, the one who promised never to return.

Now dispite all efforts made has suddenly re-emerged.

Falling back into the depths from which I had risen, confused and unsure I rush to reach for

the top, but I just missed it.

Things lost in the past now quickly become my present,

racing thoughts through my head I can't focus, screaming, crying, trying, just to be noticed.

Where am I? How long have I been here?

I look around , I can't find the light all this noise in my ears, can't think , can't hear,

my palms are sweaty, my body's cold, am I alone?

Okay , focus, breath for a minute. Think, calm down, how'd I get myself in this?

Was it me, my fault? or did I let u control it? gave you all the power that made me so sick?

I'm done with the lies, tired of being who you want. I'm just me that's it, whether you like it

or not!

I was so lost in the cloud of doubt and hypocrisy, I finally found my way out, to be free.

Where Am I?

So I wrote this some time ago but I though this was an intresting one to start with, hope u like it...

WHERE AM I? Feels like Sodom and Gomorrah these days… wrapped within my own wickedness and depravity, waiting for God to come and wipe US OUT!

Addiction, abuse, love? Every thought and emotion begins to bleed into one another and nothing feels safe anymore.

I wish I could fly like a bird with wings like angels, I want to feel the sun shine on my face and the breeze toss my hair. I want to feel the freedom of knowing peace, truly understanding it and yourself. I am a stranger to my own heart.

Peace is the notion that there is something greater than who or what I am, it is a theory that has never fully been proven, it is a sweet bedtime story told to children so they can learn to hope, but ultimately its  nothing more than a fairytale.

Land of the free? Once again a concept driven into our minds so that we become mechanically engineered into perfect little… happy robots. I AM HAPPY AND FREE; LOOK AT ME, WOOP WOOP!

BULLSHIT…

I am fucking miserable; as are most people; I work hard for shit pay, in a highly populated “upscale environment” where the people are well-off, mean and self involved. I am 27 no marriage, no kids and I can barely keep the roof over my head, any day now my dogs will start to hustle… anyone got a quarter?

So why fake it? We walk around with a mask for each day of the week, for what? Who are we actually trying to impress? No one really believes us half the time anyway.

I’d rather be honest then be “free”, I’d rather know truth then search for a lie, I’d rather live by my terms then die by someone else’s, and I know the world is not a pretty little painting with a bow on top.

A great man once said… We are the all-singing, all-dancing CRAP of the world(Tyler Durden; Fight Club)
So fuck it.